Is there an epidemic of laundry snatching at Scripps?

Day 3

According to Betteridge’s Law of Headlines, any headline that ends with a question mark can be answered with the word no.¹ Today, the law proves itself true once again. My laundry has been recovered. In today’s issue, I’ll explain how my laundry was lost — and then found.

Part 1: The laundry quandry

On Wednesday evening, I received my positive Covid-19 results in the midst of laundry-doing. Having placed about half of my clothes into a washing machine in the New Hall laundry room, I retreated to my room, settled into my chair and checked my test results.

Positive. I shut my door and informed my close contacts. My laundry was left wet and abandoned.

In the chaos of packing and arranging my kidnapping, the laundry slipped my mind until the next morning. As soon as I was delivered to Oasis via plexiglass-separated van, I set about asking friends to move my laundry from the washer to a dryer.

Scripps College Covid-19 patient transport van (Maria Heeter)

A fellow New Hall resident answered the call. She moved my laundry to the dryer and left for an hour, ready to deposit it into my laundry basket as soon as the cycle ended. A few hours later, I received a call.

“Maria, I am so sorry but I don’t see your laundry anywhere.” She searched each washer and dryer, the corners of the room and the folding table. My laundry was gone.

I went through the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance — quickly. The items that meant most to me were my Scripps Economics Society and Harvey Mudd College P.E. Basketball shirts, which could easily be repurchased. Everything else was ready to be replaced.

This clothing loss opened up new wardrobe possibilities. For the first time, I had the opportunity to remake my clothing brand. Hypebeast? Sporty goth? Twee? Reversion to prep school-style Vineyard Vines? The world was at my fingertips.

Google search for “twee” (Maria Heeter)

After browsing the internet and road mapping my potential new aesthetics, I learned it had been for nothing. My friend and I spoke once more and realized we had been talking about two different laundry rooms — she had dried a stranger’s laundry on the second floor and left mine soaking in the ground floor’s washer. Crisis averted.

The thrill of adopting a new brand, though, has left a lasting impression. I sleep well knowing I can still buy a new wardrobe. And when I do, it will be because I want to — not because I need to.

The P.E. basketball shirt that was lost — and found! (Maria Heeter)

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Part 2: Stolen valor

Some brief mood updates:

Today, I got sad when I realized that my last in-person undergraduate education classes were behind me. I also felt jealous of the darties (see: day-parties) likely being thrown in the outside world today.²

I then realized I was stealing valor from the 5C classes of 2020 and 2021, who lost both their final months of college and their first year(s) spent in the in-person workforce. But did these students experience the pain of knowing their Claremont-Mudd-Scripps intramural co-ed basketball team was battling through the semi-finals without them? No.

My mood improved when I took a deep dive into my Substack statistics. A brief review:

Figure 1. Free subscriptions (Notes from Oasis)

Subscriptions have skyrocketed from 0 to 13 in the past two days (seen in Figure 1).

Figure 2. Paid subscriptions (Notes from Oasis

Paid subscriptions, though, have plateaued at 0 (seen in Figure 2). I’ve decided to keep information free despite the revenue a paywall would generate.

Finally, total traffic sunk to an all-time low on April 30th (seen in Figure 3).

Figure 3. Total traffic (Notes from Oasis)

This is a concerning trend; cost-cutting measures may be considered if it continues. In the meanwhile, I’ve been giving other websites traffic. Here’s what I’m reading:

• The fall of the White House correspondent, Politico

  • Review: Probably good

• Spotlight on Seniors: Maria Heeter ’22 Blends Economics and Journalism, Scripps College Marketing

  • Review: The headshot is pretty low-quality

• SHS over-counted COVID-19 cases on campus during the spring surge, TSL News

  • Review: Pretty wild

Lastly, a fun update: I’ve been told I can take my first antigen test on Monday, which is earlier than expected. I might stay longer to fulfill my newsletter duties. To be decided.

Until next time,
Maria

1. Language snatched almost verbatim from Steven Pinker’s Enlightenment Now: The Case For Reason, Science, Humanism and Progress, which I read for class yesterday.

2. Per my last issue, I’ve deleted Instagram and have no way of knowing whether the darties actually happen.